She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
