Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
