the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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