if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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