coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
