Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
my shit smells like andre
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
