i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
