dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Im part way to drunk.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Randomize
