A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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