tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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