mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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