Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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