Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
