last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
