please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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