Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
