why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
