last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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