just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
