I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
