i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
