did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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