In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We need a shit load of segways right now
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
