omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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