Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
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If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
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You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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