just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
