i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the day after is always just damage control
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
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She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
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I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
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