dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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