her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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