If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
