Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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