if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
