I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
