Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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