Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
