I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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