please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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