I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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