I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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