This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
