I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
