I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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