The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Randomize
