do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
