i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
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Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
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I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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