I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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