I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
