Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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