so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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