You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
accomplished twins. life is a go
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
