Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
