lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
you would pick up someone in the library
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
