chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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