I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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